Almost two hours of panic


So, today, it finally happened.  That long awaited, much dreaded meeting with my thesis supervisor.  You know, the one who told me she almost rejected my idea and then didn’t show up to my first scheduled meeting with her?  Well, yeah.  That all happened today.

I, mercifully, got out of class at 1:30 this afternoon, almost two hours before my meeting.  So I (very responsibly, I’m sure you’ll agree) decided to go to the computer lab in college to get some work done.

But you know what didn’t happen in that computer room?!  That’s right.  Work.  And that’s because of what did happen in there.  Panic.  Panic happened in there.

I could have used the almost-two-hours to do an assignment, the completion of which would have allowed me to go to Zumba with Michelle, as per our standing Thursday arrangement.  But instead, I sat there stewing in my own worry and self-doubt; sinking in a swamp of “she hates me” and “I’m not good enough” and “I can’t do this” thoughts.  So my assignment sat there, unattended, until I got back from my meeting.

And y’know what?  She liked my idea.

Seriously.  After all of that awful foreshadowing, she freaking liked my idea!

She said that she had judged it too quickly and thinks it will make for an interesting thesis.

So not only did I lose those precious almost-two-hours to anxiety, I’ve also been periodically self-bashing at the thought of my failure ever since her careless comment.  What a waste of time and energy.

But at least I can take something away from all of this.

Next time, instead of dwelling on what someone else thinks of me and measuring my self-worth in that way, I’m going to instead reflect on the wise words of one of my heroes, Dr. Seuss.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”



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