So tomorrow I’m back to college after a nice long weekend and a nice easy first week (so far everything has been relatively nice) and I have a lot to do today, both in prep for college and also in my writing goals, but, oddly, that’s not really what I’m thinking about at the moment. Normally such things would dominate my thoughts almost entirely, but instead, what I’m thinking about today is my health.
I feel like I have food in me up to my oesophagus.
I’ve been getting very concerned about my relationship with food lately, and I think that last night and this morning are very good examples of why I should be concerned.
I ordered takeaway yesterday, even though I wasn’t hungry, and I wasn’t even really having cravings. I got more than I could handle but I ate it anyway, and then this morning I woke up, still stuffed to the brim, and I polished off the remains from the night before. Just because it was there.
Now I feel completely overloaded with disgustingly unhealthy food (if I was dropped into a pool right now I’m not entirely sure that I’d be able to float!) and I’m out of money until my next pay day.
That’s another thing that I’ve noticed recently. To me, lately, money=food.
Last night I knew I had €17 in my account, so it immediately turned into a math equation of food: Dominos tonight and then nothing for two days? Or three days of snacks from Tescos? Or Chinese tonight plus minimal snacks from Tescos on one of the next two days? Or nothing tonight and Dominos during D&D tomorrow?
It was all about my next haul of food. Meanwhile I have a massive loan to pay off so that I can finish college. And yet huge portions of my money are going on what? Grub. And not just ordinary grub, but bad grub – grub that, cumulatively, could kill me via heart attack in the next ten years.
I know that this is not normal behaviour – for anyone, but definitely not for me.
I’m concerned that I might be in the early stages of a food addiction, which is both pretty serious and highly impractical. Maybe it’s just Marian Keyes* messing with my head, but I think this behaviour predates my current reading. Maybe it’s just taken Marian Keyes to get me to identify it?
Whatever the case, I MUST change my behaviour. I’m going to the gym again, which is a step in the right direction, but I definitely have to alter my eating patterns.
I guess a good start would be in identifying why this has happened. Why am I doing this? What triggered this response in me? Is it college fears again? Usually I just get depressed and anxious – this would be a whole new sort of mental health dilemma for me.
I’ve been in counselling many a time for many a reason over the course of my twenty-five years, but never for anything concerning food. Maybe that’s where I should start with this.
Maybe a trip to Aisling is in order.
*Marian Keyes is a very successful Irish writer and I’m currently reading one of her early books, Rachel’s Holiday. It’s set in a rehab facility in Dublin and all the main characters are addicts of some sort. So obviously this reading has been a catalyst for the inner-conversation with myself about food.