Today is my first day back to class and OHMYGAWD THE HORROR!!!
I’m doing okay, considering my total aversion to all things college, but I was doing a heck of a lot better earlier. I was up and out nice and early, the sun made a rare appearance and my attitude was very can-do-hopeful-naïve girl. I miss that time in my life, so many hours ago.
At some point –it’s impossible to say when– a seed of panic appeared in my chest and now I’m just waiting for it to sprout into something hideous.
That’s how it always starts, isn’t it? A seed of something unpleasant and then it grows and then it becomes uncontrollable and then it takes over. And what becomes of me, the panic-stricken host??
Well, that varies.
Sometimes I can handle it, other times I can’t. And during the times when I can’t I have a tremendous support network, but nevertheless I’d rather not get to that stage in the first place, thanks all the same.
I want to stay me this semester; not some incapacitated vessel for anxiety. I want to be in control. Go figure*.
Maybe that’s my problem; maybe sometimes I have to hand over the reins to my anxiety and just accept that I don’t have control?
No, wait – somehow that doesn’t sound right.
I’m trying to echo Aisling’s** advice in my head but I definitely think that got messed up in translation somewhere along the way. Maybe I can Google it? “How to not be an anxiety-filled control freak.” That will surely yield some interesting results.
*I refer to comments made to me by my college counsellor. She hypothesises that a lot of my issues stem from a constant need to be in control, specifically relating to my anxiety regarding presentations. It turns out I have a tremendous fear of losing control of my body (i.e. trembling, crying, going tomato-red in the face, etc.) in front of my classmates. She wants me to learn to accept that these things might happen and that that’s okay and no one will think any less of me for it. Supposedly.
**My college counsellor, as previously mentioned. She’s very good at her job. It’s unnerving.