It’s technically the last day of my holidays and I should be enjoying myself and looking forward to hanging out with my friends this afternoon* but instead there’s just concern. It hasn’t quite worked its way up to anxiety yet, but I am spending most of my brain-power on recurring thoughts of what might happen once classes start up again.
I guess there’s already a chance that I’ll get my grades back in two weeks only to discover that I’ve failed something massively important and will have to repeat in August and really struggle to get there. But there’s also all the other stuff. The all-important mental health stuff.
What if I lose myself again?
What if I can’t separate my personal self from my college life?
What if I stop writing? What if I stop blogging? What if I don’t have the time for D&D or my friends? What if the panic attacks come back? What if I have another meltdown** when the next presentation comes up?
And what if I have to go back onto medication for anxiety? I can’t afford it. I can barely afford to look after myself as it is.
What if college takes EVERYTHING out of me, like it did before?!
College: the merciless vampire, sucking me dry.
And I’m happy right now. I want it to stay like this. I want to keep writing.
I’ll just have to bend time in such a way that it will all work. I have to try.
*Today is D&D session number 2! Summer De Light is BACK. See below!
**Historically, assignments involving presentations tend to be the catalysts for my routine panic spells each semester. My fear of public speaking may possibly have escalated to phobia status and it’s usually what brings me to the college counsellor a few weeks or so into the term. From there it all spirals out of control into a feelings-hurricane of bitterness, fear, resentment and –most troublingly– pointlessness.